


Lilac wine

by peachspace



Category: Matt Watson - Fandom, Ryan Magee - Fandom, Ryatt, supermega
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Dan is good and supportive friend, M/M, Ryan is sad I guess, There's not enough fanfic for these assholes, Very Very Light Angst, but it's fine I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 10:00:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9175570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachspace/pseuds/peachspace
Summary: ::Work title from Lilac Wine by Jeff Buckley, chapter title from Flashlight by the Front Bottoms::Ryan is bad at coping with his feelings for Matt, and Dan comes to the rescue. Sorta.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I made wine from the lilac tree  
> Put my heart in its recipe  
> It makes me see what I want to see  
> and be what I want to be  
> When I think more than I want to think  
> Do things I never should do  
> I drink much more that I ought to drink  
> Because (it) brings me back you..

The pungent stench of whiskey hangs over Matt and Ryan's apartment like a cloud, just barely overpowering the smell of week old takeout. It makes Ryan a little sick to his stomach. He drank a lot in his youth so the smell makes his stomach churn even now, dredging up awful memories of college parties and their aftermath.

Despite this, Ryan attempting to get drunk again for the first time in a long time, and is grateful for something to cover up the ever present scent of his roommate. Matt is gone for the weekend, out of town with Arin and Ross for Pax, so Ryan has taken the liberty to get some editing done before settling down for a good old fashioned pity party. A pity party that definitely doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he misses Matt like hell already.

Matt.

Ryan bitterly recalls sending Matt off that morning, how even then there had been a dull ache in his chest at the thought of being left alone. He had ignored it for the sake of Matt, asking one last time if the man was okay with spending the entirety of Pax on his own.  
He remembers how the ache had deepened a little bit when Matt had brushed him off, laughing and declaring that he'd be fine on his own - after all, Ross would be there! And Matt adored spending time with Ross.

And so, Ryan smiled and waved Matt off, waiting for the sun to set and breaking out the alcohol. It's wasn't unusual for him to drink while Matt was gone - in fact, Matt was usually the one to remind Ryan of his old drinking habits and to tell him to slow down, so it's easy to be reckless when he's not around. Ryan will be scolded once Matt returns, but the idea seems so far off at the moment.

He was acting out his evening plans nearly perfectly. Drunk and alone... except, he isn't alone. Not like he planned to be. Dan joined him not that long ago, face pale and hands trembling slightly. He'd asked to sit and talk. Ryan couldn't turn him down when he looked so upset, so Ryan had offered him a drink and a spot on his tiny couch, the two men slotting together and falling silent in respective self pity. Alone would have to wait.

It's quiet and a little awkward when Adam joins him, likely because both men know something is off between them, but are unsure who should ask first. Trying to ignore the elephant in the room, Ryan rolls his head back against Danny's shoulder, pressing the bottle to his lips and scrunching his eyes shut as he tries to get drunk enough for this to stop feeling so uncomfortable.

Dan seems to come back to reality at the sight of the bottle, fixing his sleep-clouded gaze on Ryan and frowning. "I thought you said you were going to try to quit?" It comes out as more of a question than anything, sad and small in the dark of the room, as if he's personally aggrieved by Ryan's shortcomings.

"I thought I was too." Ryan laughs bitterly then, feeling his own silly guilt intensify at the reminder that he was supposed to over come this. Supposed to stop this shitty coping mechanism after Matt moved in.

Suddenly, Dan's lanky arm wraps around Ryan's shoulder, giving him a small but firm squeeze. Ryan doesn't push him away, a surprise to even himself. Hes always had a tendency to push his friends away when he's sad, but maybe it's the alcohol. "Why'd you come out here anyway? I thought you were just gonna sleep in Matt's bed, not rain on my parade." Ryan asks - he isn't complaining though, it's surprisingly soothing to be near a friend when he feels this shitty. Maybe he should try it more often.

Dan squawks offendedly at that, an unsteady smile gracing his lips. "Hey, first of all, this is quality bonding time!" He proclaims boldly, grinning before pausing and sobering. "In all seriousness, I thought you knew. Most of the grumps do. I get nightmares sometimes and they fuck up my sleep schedule. I used to use weed as a method to make it easier, but I broke that habit." He then reaches over and taps Ryan's bottle lightly, brows furrowing once again. "Unlike you. Wanna talk?" Dan is audibly worried, all warmth and soft affection like he usually is. It makes Ryan's stomach ache worse, wishing that he could be stupid and reckless without worrying all of his friends. He's still not used to having people get concerned when he's silly and self destructive. Are things supposed to get harder to hide when you're an adult?

Ryan stares contemplatively at Dan, mouth pressed into a flat line. He's also not used to having to cleverly deflect stuff like this. "Just looking to have a little fun, Dan." He forces a light chuckle then, congratulating himself on how smooth it comes out. "You're the one who came out here shaking like a leaf, I feel like I should be playing shrink, not you." He then offers his bottle to Dan, "Peace offering?"

Dan looks surprised for a moment, maybe because Ryan usually shuts down by this point with most people. Loses his nerve and pushes everyone away. "Fine, I show you mine and you show me yours?" He asks, a hint of humor in his voice as he takes a hesitant sip of whiskey, face twisting at the taste. Ryan laughs and turns so that he's between both of Dan's lanky legs, head resting against the man's ribcage, leaving them chest to chest.

"Deal, you first."

Dan's hand instinctively comes to run through Ryan's hair, and distantly Ryan recalls him doing the same to Arin sometimes. "Fine, dork. I guess... Sometimes I get stuck on things. I have this issue where really small things snowball into really big and terrifying things in my brain, and I can't stop it. The thing that has always freaked me out the most is travel; Someone I love going where I can't follow and make sure they're safe scares me." Danny pauses, swallowing thickly and taking a deep breath.

"Because of this, Arin keeps in touch with me whenever he goes somewhere for work. It's like our thing. He knows that I can't stop thinking about it if he doesn't. He was always very understanding about my fears, but this time I haven't heard anything from him. They should've gotten there by now, but I haven't heard shit." Dan's voice wavers, and Ryan's heart aches dully for the man.

"Maybe he forgot?" Ryan asks hesitantly, wishing to make that sad look on his face disappear, but Dan just shakes his head minutely, smiling sadly and finally looking back down at Ryan.

"He never forgets, he wouldn't. It's just... don't worry about it, okay Ry? I'm not that concerned. I'm only telling you so you'll fess up as to why you're sitting over here drinking more in this one night than I've seen you drink in the past year." Dan's lips are twisted into a pout and his gaze is fixated on Ryan, appearing as if he had moved on from his own problems, though Ryan is sure that it's bothering him more than he's letting on.

"I... yeah, okay, I guess there's no way out of it now. Fair is fair." Ryan says, staring at his hands. Is he really doing this? Admitting to what he's been covering up for so damn long? Somehow, the idea doesn't seem quite as scary as it should be. Probably the alcohol, or Dan's calming disposition. "It's just... it's Matt."

Dan's brows furrow. "Matt?" He echoes. "What'd he do? It didn't seem like anything was wrong between you two this morning - although, I don't think I'd be able to tell. You guys are weird with how you communicate, sometimes I feel like you're speaking a whole different language."

Ryan doesn't say that sometimes that's how he feels with Danny and Arin. "No, no. He didn't do anything wrong." Ryan shakes his head, scrubbing a hand across his face. "Just... I don't know Dan, it's fucking stupid! I'm just... I'm an idiot. That's all it is. I'm an idiot and I don't ever understand my emotions, so I repress and drink." Ryan snaps, feeling a sudden anxiety clench his stomach as he distantly realizes what he's doing. This is why he never talks about this kind of stuff - because now he has to think about how he feels, about everything that's going on between him and Matt.

"No no, go on..." Dan urges, voice soft and understanding. "It's not stupid, Ryan. Let me help you."

And he sounds so soft and genuine, that Ryan relents. “Okay, just… promise me you’re not going to repeat any of this shit, alright? If you bring it up tomorrow I’m going to deny saying anything.” He says, scrubbing a hand across his face and trying not to think too much about the consequences of his actions at this point. He feels Dan's body shift as he nods.

“I guess I just hate when he leaves, y'know? I always dread it because I miss him like hell. Is it bad that sometimes I think he's my coping mechanism? That's he's what's holding me together? The house is so empty without him, and I can't go ten damn seconds without wanting to tell him something, wanting to show him something, wanting..." Wanting him. Ryan can't stop wanting him, and it's scary how the feeling only intensifies once Matt is gone. He takes a deep breath and focuses on Danny's face above him.

"I... I get it. I get missing someone." Dan murmurs, reaching down to brush some of Ryan's dark hair from his face. "I miss Barry when he's gone, and Arin obviously. I miss everyone." He pauses. "You know by now, I love too hard, which means... it hurts whenever anyone is away. I've gotten used to it, though, maybe you will too?"

Ryan shakes his head resolutely. "No, Dan, you don't get it." His words are firm, but not unkind. "You feel everything, I've always been kinda jealous of you for that. Every emotion that you have is so strong, you love so easily, you express that love effortlessly. I wonder what it's like to have that much emotion inside of you, but..."

There's a few beats of silence before Ryan continues, as if he's struggling to collect his thoughts. "I've never been someone who felt a whole lot of anything. I didn't know it was abnormal at first, carrying this sort of emptiness around inside of you, but then I saw people like you who were so full of something that it seemed like they were going to burst and I realized that maybe I was missing something big. So I tried to fill up the space, by dating, by drinking," he looks down at the bottle in his hands. "But nothing worked. And then I met Matt."

Ryan's eyes are stinging, but it very well might just be because he's so tired. Talking about Matt makes the hurt in his chest worse, and he wonders why Dan thought this would help at all. "And then it was like a different part of me was unlocked. It's like I was colorblind before, and Matt made everything right, made everything... vibrant. He was that thing that filled me up so much that I thought I would break, and it was the best kind of hurt that I ever experienced, the good kind of hurt. He still does, he's just something to me that I don't understand, but I need him. Like all my life I've been saving up all of my emotions for him, all the numbness was just for this one person who would make me feel so strongly that I feel like I'll suffocate."

Another period of silence before Danny speaks, his words disrupting the somber mood that had fallen over the room. "Damn, dude. You're pretty poetic when you're not making dick jokes." That seems to set them off, both men beginning to giggle quietly, the sound of their laughter swelling in Ryan's cold apartment. When Ryan blinks, he's surprised to find that his eyelashes are wet, and his laughter feels a little unhinged.

Ryan presses a hand to his mouth and tries to stifle it, his stomach hurting a little. "F-fuck you, dude, I'm trying to be s-serious." He complains, though he can't fight down the first genuine smile that he's had since Matt left.

"Sorry, sorry, I couldn't help it. I just... didn't know how to react. I knew he was important to you, but I never knew... that. You know he'll be back, though, and he'll be so sad that you're drinking... I can't imagine his absence being the only thing to make you like this." Danny's voice is beginning to sound all concerned again, and Ryan resists the the urge to groan.

"Okay yeah, I guess it's not just that. Matt is something important to me, right? But sometimes I get the feeling that I'm really not the same to him. And then I sorta get jealous. Of people." Ryan admits, ignoring the way that Dan snorts despite himself. Feeling suddenly not drunk enough for this, Ryan presses his bottle to his lips and drowns at least half of it, coughing a little and letting out a hiccup. Dan doesn't notice, too busy being amused by Ryan's definitely very important and serious issues.

"Seriously? You're jealous of someone else with Matt? But... you two are like... always together. That boy literally adores you, he wants to do everything with you, and you can tell that he misses you when you're not there. Hell, most of the time I see him without you, he's in the process of texting you or doing something for your channel." Dan has begun to play with Ryan's hair in earnest now, and Ryan bites back a comment on how gay it is due to the fact that their current conversation would make him a bit of a hypocrite.

"I know. It's stupid. I just always feel like I need him more than he needs me, I guess? I know how I feel, and I know that he's one of the best things to ever happen to me, but what am I? I'm always sad and tired, and my feet smell really bad like ninety percent of the time. I'm not nearly as fucking interesting as his friends, I'm not half as talented as Ross-" Ryan is cut off as Dan interjects, beginning to giggle loudly again.

"And we have a name drop! Seriously? Ross? Are you jealous of Ross?" He practically splutters, a hand reluctantly leaving Ryan's hair and coming to cover his mouth. "Fuck Ryan, you're an idiot."

"Hey!"

"No no, it's not a bad thing. Ross is not out to steal your... whatever Matt is to you. Not that he'd be successful in any capacity. I was serious when I said Matt adores you, I think your issue is with yourself, Ryan. You just don't give yourself enough credit... I mean, when you're not being an asshole, you're an amazingly creative and interesting dude. Hell, I'm happy to call you my friend, aren't I? And as for... your feelings... I think you have more of a chance than you think. You need to talk to him." Dan is beaming at him.

Ryan groans in response, shoving Dan's chest lightly and hiding his face in the man's shirt. "Yeah yeah okay, I didn't sign up for this sentimental bullshit." He complains quietly, though he's silently thankful for Dan's words. It's easy to fall into a pit when Matt leaves, and feel as if he's all alone, but here Dan is. Ryan isn't a touchy person, but then he's too buzzed and grateful to care when Dan yawns and shifts Ryan into his chest, wrapping him in a warm and comforting embrace.

It's kind of nice, after so much uncertainty, Ryan feels like he could drown in this safe feeling, and before he knows it his eyes are growing heavy.

"Just sleep, Ry, everything is a little easier when the sun comes up. I'll be here, and we can spend the rest of the week together. You'll be alright - everything will be alright." Dan's raspy voice washes over Ryan, and as he drifts off to sleep, he finds with slight surprise that he believes Dan. Things will get better, even if Matt makes him hurt and doubt and unearths fears that he didn't know he had... maybe he'll have a chance to explore that wonderfully terrifying feeling a little bit while he heals himself.


End file.
